The Mimi reality show

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – when you email or tweet at me because Mimi’s in the news and I come to mind, thank you so much. It might be my greatest career achievement. To somehow, in some small way, be associated with our Glitter Butterfly, the Elusive Chanteuse…who, apparently, will be elusive no more because…

She’s working on a reality show?

Let’s just all lie down for a moment and process this before we continue. I cried tears of joy when I first heard. According to US Weekly Mimi’s been shooting a “docu-series” (can we just f-cking call it a reality show?!?) about her Vegas residency and her upcoming European tour and it’s supposed to feature her entourage and she wants to call it “Mariah’s Squad”. We’ll also see Mimi with Dembabies. And she was allowed to bring cameras into Elton John’s Oscar party. The deal is with E! and Page Six reports that although her manager, Stella Bulochnikov, is the one who negotiated it for her, other members of her team aren’t happy with the decision.

“Someone of Mariah’s stature should not be doing this. Whitney Houston did a reality show and that was the real end of it. We hope that it doesn’t end up being like when Whitney did ‘Being Bobby Brown,’” a Carey insider told Page Six.

The singer’s manager Stella Bulochnikov is the mastermind behind the project and our source says Carey’s so in love with fiancé James Packer that she’s oblivious to what’s happening in her professional life. The show is based around Mariah and her entourage.

“Mariah’s amazing and treats people with the utmost respect and kindness and Stella is the total opposite. She comes from producing reality TV and calls herself the Russian dictator,” said the source, who added, “I guess Mariah is just in love and not paying attention to what’s happening around her.”

Hilariously when Page Six reached out to Stella for comment, she basically threw a bag of dicks at them:

“If you’re trying to get into my good graces, you’re doing a wonderful job. Feel free to write whatever the f - ck you want, so all three of your readers can be amused . . . F - ck off and lose my number. You are an idiot. Mariah is on fire.”

You know what? She’s right?

I don’t know who Page Six’s sources are but the Whitney Houston comparison is idiotic. Part of Whitney’s problem was that she couldn’t reconcile the image that was created for her by Clive Davis and who she really wanted to be. But there is no “public” version of Mimi that doesn’t complement the “private” one. There is no one operating under the illusion that the “public” version of Mimi is able to walk, independently, from one end of a room to the other without having to be carried but not be able to in “private”. EVERYBODY F-CKING KNOWS SHE’S TOO MUCH.
And…

WE LOVE HER BECAUSE SHE’S TOO GODDAMN MUCH.

Mariah Carey is one of the most iconic vocalists of all time. Her talent is indisputable. But you cannot argue that one of her most significant – and I mean SIGNIFICANT, with no snark, no sarcasm – career  moments came not when she was singing but when she invited us into her home for hands-down THE GREATEST episode of Cribs of All.Time.

I have it memorised. And if you have not seen it, hear me now, talking to you in your eyes – I am disappointed in you. You have failed yourself. Because you cannot call yourself a citizen of pop culture if you do not know Mimi’s Cribs. I could write 10,000 words on Mimi’s Cribs and it still wouldn’t be enough. She opens the door for the cameras and within 30 seconds, maybe less, she’s already sitting down on a couch because it was too exhausting to simply let someone into her home and wave them inside. There are at least 8 wardrobe changes. EIGHT WARDROBE CHANGES.
And it’s 20 minutes long! During one of those wardrobe changes, there’s a woman trailing after her, putting on her dress. Later on, that woman is on her knees, in the “shoe room”, getting her heels on her for. One the best highlights in a piece that’s basically just a highlight package? When we see that there’s a chaise lounge in the middle of the kitchen. Because, as she tells you in that moment, she makes it a point to “avoid being upright as much as possible”. She gets into the bathtub, ON CAMERA, but says she can’t show us her bedroom because she has to keep some things for herself. And. And! The fish in her aquarium? They were recast, because the first ones that they had in there didn’t sleep according to her schedule.

Mimi on Cribs was historic. When your episode wipes out every other celebrity’s episode, and you define a show all by yourself? It’s history. It is, as Mimi would say, a “moment”.

Now. Imagine this as a television series. Imagine a weekly appointment with this!